"if you are afraid of lonlieness, do not marry" anton chekov

i'm buying a new wedding dress.

i still own one from my no show 5 years ago but i figure it has bad mojo and a lot about me has changed in five years.. i remember scribbling out dresses on church bulletins all growing up.  my wedding dresses had poofy sleeves and poofy bottoms.. bows were involved. it was the 80's. 

i'm a real girl, not a barbie doll.  mom tried to give me diet pills.  messed up, right? i guess when it comes to wedding weight loss anything goes as normal.  to be honest i haven't worked out or anything..  i'm content.

on a brighter side, picking out a wedding dress is very fun.. i tried on a dress that cost $800!! can you imagine?  what luxury.. i picked out the $350 dress. i knew i loved it the minute i put it on.. it wasn't what i expected to like.. its such a fun time-wedding dresses..

Currently Ain't Misbehavin' (2009 Cast Recording)(Amazon Exclusive) By Various Artists see related

"maybe i can convince time to slow up giving me enough time in my life to grow up. Time, be my friend, let me start again. suddenly, my world's gone and changed it's face but I still know where I'm going. I have had my mind spun around in space and yet, I've watched it growing and if you're listening god, please, Don't make it hard to know if we should believe the things that we see" -dorothy, the wiz

the wiz just closed and my whole life is just messy.  dirty not messy how my students mean messy.  "messy" is the new it word for liar at hattiesburg high.. atleast i think it means liar, or just dishonest person.  truth is a big deal to my kids. i respect that.  this week is testing and i never realized what a big deal that is. really all it means to me is that every morning i have to babysit someone else's classes from 7-11.  its boring and makes me restless.  it pays better than regular babysitting i guess.

wedding plans are coming along.  i need to loose weight which is depressing.  we are pretty certain about this house we like.  it would be a lot of work, but i'm up for the challenge.  i suddenly have a need to nest. its weird.  it fufills my creative compulsion.

Currently Faith and Politics: How the "Moral Values" Debate Divides America and How to Move Forward Together By Senator John Danforth see related

"republicans are mean.  democrats are silly"-i forget.

so dad is in the hospital with a broken rib and two cracked ribs.  everytime he coughs he feels like he is getting stabbed.  dad is very moody/big babyish as am i.  mom made the comment that "he's just mean."  this is particularly heartbreaking because i am like my dad.  when i want to bite i can bite hard.  charlie (my bro-in-law) used to blame his wit for his meanness.  why would i be gifted with this ability to insult if i were not supposed to use it?  my cynicism isnt' as cute now that i'm grown.  it doesn't really make me interesting, it just makes me mean.

xns shouldn't be mean.  i know this intellectually, but in practice it is hard for me to swallow.  i like my mom's texan sensibility-"shoot it to me straight" much more than my dad's sachrin sweet routine.  he smiles and hugs and greets even when he doesn't sincerely feel it. 

"sincerely" that's a strange ending to a letter.  it seems to me a strange sense of accountability.  if you lie or exagerate or anything and then sign it "sincerely" its like a double lie.  "love must be sincere."  i think that is romans 12:9.  i love that whole chapter, but i digress..  the point is that i shouldn't fake love and i shouldn't be mean so i have to truly start appreciating people.  my other point is that my dad is sick and that sucks. the end.

Currently Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me By Colbert, Forte, Hornby, Richter, Savage, Ben, Stephen, Will, Nick, Andy, Dan Karlin (editor) see related

"i done strung along and strung along going this way and that.  whatever way would lead me to a moment of peace.  thats all i wanted to be easy with everything but i wasn't born to that.  i was born to a time of fire." in 'piano lesson' by august wilson

i am in full wedding planning.  the design motif is birds. 

i remember visiting my grandmother and watching 'reading rainbow' in the guest bedroom of her dusty house. my favorite time in these slow paced visits happened in the early morning.  my grandmothers kitchen table sat facing the carport, a metal roofed eyesore except for the bird feeders lining the perimeter.  she had nectar for humming birds, big seeds and small.  we would sit and eat breakfast while grandma pointed out what each bird's species and statistics were.  i remember watching the play together and bathe and seemingly cuddle.  they were fascinating.

when my grandmother had a stroke on the way back from scrabble night at the community center, my grandfather pulled her out of the car, layed her down on the carport concrete and wept until the ambulance got there. i think in an age of cynicism, this is one of the best promotions for long term companionship i can conjure.  if brad can play scrabble with me even when he hates scrabble, i think we have a good start on the path to longterm partnership.  it is scary with its unknowns and big commitments, but as i nuzzle my nose into his broad shoulder i can't help but feel that in some cosmic way-he's my guardian angel, my red headed cherub sent to calm me, to ground me, to love me till death do us part.